Ode to My Estranged Wife, Who Moved Down Under Unexpectedly, and No, I’m Sorry but I’m Afraid I Don’t Have a Forwarding Address for Her

Regrets and wonders; of what ifs and wherefores and howfores and whys
And hearts torn asunder by all of these lies
And knowing that this was our final goodbye.
I wonder how our feelings changed from all those years ago
And I wonder can you hear me, can you hear me down below?

Those jealous looks, at any friend of mine who happened to be female,
I wonder how you expected me to be repelled by youth and beauty,
It was just that one time and I never would have done it if I’d known you’d find out and if you hadn’t been so fucking frigid none of this would ever have happened!
Sorry … calm down, breath …
I wonder who told you, although I think I know
And I wonder can you hear me, can you hear me down below?

Planning and packing, promises and pleading
Please forgive me, please believe me, please don’t leave me, please,
Pathetic attempt to prevent this from happening.
I wonder why you thought that I would simply let you go
And I wonder can you hear me, can you hear me down below?

Looking over the garden where I once proposed,
Everything changed now, banished memories, new start,
I wonder if you’d like it,
And I wonder can you hear me, can you hear me down below?
There, in your final resting place, beneath the patio.


The startening of linguagistics

The alpha male belched his satisfaction upon finishing the fire-singed slab of masticated mastodon that his secondary mate had presented to him.

His secondary mate recognised this as his happy belch, moreover; so did his primary mate. She in turn growled a warning to the secondary not to enjoy his praise too much.

His tertiary mate whimpered as she recognised that her position in the pecking order would now be even more difficult to improve upon. She accepted her place with a sigh.

The beta male, unencumbered by the laborious mating responsibilities which always occupied the alpha, memorised all the belches, growls, whimpers and sighs, and their meanings. He called them ‘words’.

He learned the word ‘rock’, and the word ‘head’ and applied them to the alpha. Thus the beta became the alpha, and everything became words.

Which led to linguagistic emergifications such as:

fungetwuzzler: one who drinks too much, too quickly, and fails to last the night

grainygoogoo: a thick, hot porridge, perfect for a winter’s day

screechiboompy: the sudden braking of a speeding vehicle

whadofuh: a dramatic and unexpected turn of events

belthang: a man’s protruding stomach (female equiv: gunt)

drinkohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems


“Whadofuh!” cried James, and a serious whadofuh it was as the taxi went screechiboompy, causing him to emit a belthang full of grainygoogoo over the irate driver.

“Bloody fungetwuzzler!” yelled the cabbie, “You should learn to handle your drinkohol.”