(The screen shows a packed sports stadium)
COMMENTATOR 1: … and the outcome of this match might just hinge on this measurement … there’s a lot of noise coming from the Jets fans; they think it’s short …
(A roar from the crowd as the referee holds up his hands a few inches apart)
COMMENTATOR 1: It is short! Fourth and less than a foot, and Sea Bass comes out to try and win it for the Raiders.
COMMENTATOR 2: He’s got a big leg, John.
COMMENTATOR 1: He sure does John, but they wanted to get him closer than this: 55 yards, into the wind and all the pressure on him. Big noise from the crowd now … good snap, Sea Bass strikes and-
(Blue screen. An elongated beeeeeeeeeep)
NEWS ANCHOR: We interrupt this program with some important breaking news from our reporter, Heidi Unlikely. Heidi?
HEIDI UNLIKELY: Thanks, Ralph. I’m in the Winchester district of London, England, where we have a startling development in the love life of Jim Everyman. After four years of having a crush on this woman (the caption shows an attractive redhead), Mary Sue MacGuffin, who works in the same office, he has finally plucked up the courage to ask her out. There’s no official word on her response yet, but the early indications are – and I have to say these are unconfirmed reports – that she has agreed to meet him for a quick drink tomorrow night, with the rumored further possibility of watching a movie together.
NEWS ANCHOR (presumably named RALPH; therefore henceforth referred to thusly): Would that be at a theater, or on DVD?
HEIDI UNLIKELY: It’s really too early to say at this stage, Ralph, and that is of course a key factor in the context of the night. If it’s at the theater, then it has much more of a ‘date night’ kind of feel to it, whereas a night in with a DVD, whilst it might seem somewhat mundane to an established couple, has much more potential for, er, intimacy, and would be seen as a radical step for a first date.
RALPH: Although that would depend on their history, Heidi. For a first date between a couple – is it premature to call them that? – between two people that have only recently met, a night in might seem like a big step, but Mr Everyman and Miss MacGuffin have known each other for some years. Do you know if they’ve forged a close friendship over that time?
HEIDI UNLIKELY: Not really any closer than most work colleagues, Ralph. (she blushes. Camera cuts to RALPH. He blushes too).
HEIDI UNLIKELY (regaining composure): It’s understood that Mr Everyman has harbored a desire to initiate a friendship, but ultimately been hamstrung by his own shyness. Therefore, it has to be said that both his approach, and Miss MacGuffin’s acceptance, have come somewhat out of leftfield.
RALPH: Have you spoken to Mr Everyman yet? Has he given any explanation for suddenly acting on the impulse he’s been suppressing all these years?
HEIDI UNLIKELY: No word from Mr Everyman yet, but I’m hoping to get an interview with him later. I can confirm that he is currently having a shave, and singing to himself in front of the bathroom mirror as he does so.
RALPH: Do you know what song he’s singing?
HEIDI UNLIKELY: Well, I don’t know how significant this is; it could be huge: he’s singing It Must Be Love by the 1980s English ska band, Madness.
RALPH: Originally a hit for Labbi Siffre, don’t forget. How’s his voice?
HEIDI UNLIKELY: That’s not so good, Ralph. Wherever they go for drinks tomorrow, I just hope it isn’t karaoke night.
RALPH: Thank you, Heidi. Now we can go back to the MetLife Stadium. John, did Oakland make that field goal?
COMMENTATOR 1 (who we now know to be named John, but who will not feature in the remainder of this story): I don’t know. Who cares? Everyone’s gone home, Ralph. The stadium is empty. People just want to know about Jim and Mary Sue. In fact, the merchandise stall has sold out of Everyman and MacGuffin t-shirts already. The entire population of the tri-state area has taken this young British couple into their hearts.
RALPH: Thanks John. We’re going to briefly go to the other news story now, the huge asteroid that hit Los Angeles this morning. Our man on the scene: Boot Polish. Boot; any update?
BOOT POLISH: Yeah, we have a slight increase in the death toll now, it’s thought to currently stand somewhere around two million. Another complication is that the cosmic gamma radiation given off by the asteroid has caused those two million dead to rise up as flesh-hungry zombies, desperate to eat the brains of the living.
RALPH: That sounds like quite a situation, Boot.
BOOT POLISH: It is, Ralph, but there’s good news too: the impact of the asteroid set off an earthquake that registered an unprecedented 12 on the Richter Scale. This in turn has caused a massive tidal wave to gather in the Pacific, it stands a few hundred feet high, it’s sucked about a hundred thousand sharks into it, and the ‘sharknami’ as it’s been dubbed by locals, is due to hit the West Coast in the next fifteen minutes. All being well, it should wash away and/or eat away the zombie threat. So with this problem about to sort itself out, all thoughts locally are turning to the potential romance between Everyman and MacGuffin. The whole of California is rooting for these young lovers from London, and just like the rest of the world, we can’t wait to hear what happens next.
RALPH: Thanks Boot; and rest assured that we will keep whatever’s left of the Golden State informed of developments. Make yourselves comfortable America; we’re going to stick with this story all the way to its conclusion …
Everyman and MacGuffin is trending
Fatcun Troller McGuffins a Minger! I woudnt dip my wick in her ginge minge if she paid me!
Dai Mondgeezer Your havin a laugh mate you must be blind from wanking too much shes fit as fuck.
Simon Ficonvention No way Fatcun, she’s gorgeous. She reminds me of Amy Pond.
Fatcun Troller Mite of known youd be a trekkie twat probly never seen a real bird in ur life
Simon Ficonvention Amy Pond is from Dr Who, you idiot!
Fatcun Troller Whatevs wanker same diffrens get a life
Ima Realgirl Want half price Ray-Bans? Click HERE to save $$$$$!
Annabella Richetourista I’m from the United States, but I love England and I love your Royal Family! Mary Sue MacGuffin is like a princess to me too now. She’s like a redheaded Diana. Or a slim Fergie!
Jacqui Yabody Fergie from Black Eyed Peas? She aint fat!
Olaf MUFC Pirol How is this woman like Alex Ferguson?
Guus Wingman I woulda got this mush laid years ago. My best mate was a virgin till I took him out one night and helped set him up.
Fatcun Troller Wiv ur mum?
Guus Wingman No, yours.
Mike Rational I’m so pleased for Jim Everyman, he really feels like one of us.
Fatcun Troller One of us gays you mean?
Mike Rational Yes, one of YOU gays, I mean lol. Feed the troll and he will press the self-deconstruct button sooner or later…
Mike Rational Shh…
Lucinda Jucinda Mary Sue is totes a good role model, cos she proved she don’t need a man but she’s gonna give him a go. Reckon she could do better though.
Sally Standard-Standard She could do a miilion times better he’s a creep! Four year crush and he don’t do nothing now suddenly he does? Stalker alert!
Joy Dreamer I think he’s quite cute, in a geeky boy next door kind of way.
Sally Standard-Standard If I lived next door to him I’d move. Or get a restraning order lol!
Francis Haircut 100 I think it’s a fantastic day when boy meets girl. This could be love.
Mike Rational Plus one?
Francis Haircut 100 You might think that; I couldn’t possibly comment.
Noel OU Pedant I actually don’t think they’re really right for one another. It’s just that he’s fixated on this MacGuffin girl for no real reason, without them having anything in common. The chances are he’d be better off with the quiet girl he sits next to at work; the one he confides in about MacGuffin. She probably looks plain and dowdy at first because of the way she dresses, but would be a real beauty if she had a makeover and tried on lots of new clothes, especially if it were as part of a musical montage.
Mindy Mousy Noel OU Pedant, are you single? PM me.x
EVERYMAN: MY GREAT-GRANDMA HEARTACHE
He’s the loveable loser whose rise to fame is an inspiration to underdogs everywhere, but behind the smiles of this sudden and surprising romantic hero are the tears and tragedy of a childhood bereavement.
Young Jim was a tiny toddler of just two years old when his paternal great-grandmother Edna Everyman sadly passed away mere months before her 90th birthday. It was a crushing blow to the youngster, and one which continues to plague him to this day.
According to our resident psychologist and relationship counsellor Dr Charlotte Latan, “This absence of a positive female role model would have left a considerable void in Jim’s life, and is very probably the primary cause of his difficulty in forging romantic relationships in his adult life. Had Jim’s great-grandmother been around in his formative years, then women would have seemed less mysterious to him and he would have been able to approach Mary Sue MacGuffin much sooner.”
Dr Latan also has another theory, “The heart-breaking early death of someone so beloved may also have given him a fear of allowing himself to get close to anyone else for fear of losing them in the same way. On a deep, internal level, he probably feels cursed and believes that any woman he loves is doomed to suffer an early death.”
We put these theories to Jim Everyman just this morning, when he was taking out the bin bags in his dressing gown. Visibly shaking with emotion, he told us, “I don’t know about curses and a lack of female role models; both my grandmothers are fine. One lives in Bognor Regis and the other in the New Forest. And I see my mum every week; she works in Boots and has a couple of big celebrations coming up: her 50th birthday and the Silver Wedding with my dad. But yeah, it is a shame that I never got a chance to get to know old Edna, I’m sure she was a lovely lady.”
A shame indeed for poor Jim Everyman, but we here at Psychologists & Singletons.com hope another lovely lady in Miss MacGuffin can be the one who takes the shame away.
MACGUFFIN WEARIN NUFFIN!
Cor blimey guvnor, she’s the red-hot carrot-top who’s got Every Man in the world hot under the collar and wondering if she has the cuffs to match! And thanks to our roving photographer Papa Longlenzarou we can exclusively reveal that despite her respectable image this feisty minx is a sultry temptress behind closed doors. We have proof that she sleeps in SKIMPY NIGHTWEAR and – brace yourselves boys – has baths and showers COMPLETELY NAKED!!! Click here for sexsational snaps – you won’t be disappointed! (subscription required)
Am I supposed to say I never looked at him in that way? I looked. I look at every man in that way – it’s natural! I look, I consider, I assess. Usually it’s a straightforward case of ruling them out for any one of a myriad of reasons: eyes too close together, overpowering body odour, watches the X-Factor, narcissistic misogynistic arsehole, etc. But I saw nothing in Jim to rule him out.
I never really got to know him that well though; our desks were quite far apart at work and we never got many chances to talk. There were team nights out, and he seemed genuine and friendly. A funny guy too, in a clever way I mean, not just as the office clown. Jane Boeing thinks so; all the time they’ve been sat together she’s been giggling away like a schoolgirl. And making goo-goo eyes at him like one too – there’s no doubt she thinks of Jim in that way. I think she’s probably really pretty under her modest exterior, and a makeover or change of wardrobe would see her emerge like a butterfly. But Jim in all his wisdom chose me, and I’m not complaining.
Of course, the last thing that either of us expected was this sudden media circus – why us? One minute I’m a normal working class girl – well, as working class as any Wintonian can be – and the next I have TV crews and paparazzi camped outside my house! It was exciting at first, I have to admit, but then I made the mistake of Googling myself – never again! That was the ugly side of celebrity, presenting itself before I’d even had a chance to enjoy fame: I was being criticised for being too fat, too thin, too frigid, too promiscuous, too posh, too common, too everything! And then there were the pictures – so not real! But my face was photoshopped onto all the pornographic images, so skilfully done that you’d never know they were fake.
So we had this ironic situation where the whole world wanted it to work out between us, but it was their scrutiny that was the biggest obstacle to our relationship. Still, we braved the spotlight and went out as planned. I’d have been happy for pie and chips at the pub on the corner, but he insisted on going all posh for the night, and I was willing to give it a try.
Jim Everyman thought of the clichéd old advice: ‘just be yourself’. Screw that – he’d been himself for 26 years, and that had equated to 26 years of loneliness, and a whopping phone bill from the TV chat lines. So now he had to impress; he had to be better than himself. Not just some bloke who drinks lager and watches football, but a man of culture; a connoisseur. A sommelier.
He booked a table at the poshest restaurant he could barely afford, and allocated some more money to help towards the execution of his ingenious plan. All he needed was the name of a couple of wines, a good poker face as he pretended to know what he was talking about, and a waiter who cared more about a big tip than looking clever.
Mary Sue looked magnificent: tall, elegant and swan-like in her long white gown, with her voluminous red hair cascading luxuriantly over her smooth, bare shoulders. He himself was wearing a rented suit that looked no different to one he could have bought outright for the same price, but that didn’t matter. He was one smooth move away from making a big impression, and had already slipped the waiter a few crisp notes and the simple script in his best handwriting:
“May I recommend the Muscadet?”
“You’re quite right, sir; that makes perfect sense. I shall recommend the Sancerre from now on.”
Jim didn’t even look up as the waiter approached their table; he was too busy preparing for the monologue he’d been practising all day. Nor did he hear the waiter say, “Welcome to Loch Fyne sir, and I must say your companion looks very beautiful tonight.”
“You’re entitled to think that; I however, beg to differ.”
“A poor second choice in my opinion, sampled by every man and his dog and spat out again too many times to mention. Lacking in depth and vitality, unimpressive body which is disappointingly flat, and barely worthy of presentation in an establishment such as this. If I was reduced to reluctantly having that, I’d close my eyes and imagine the tingle on my lips from a bubblier one that’s fresher and fruitier-”
Jim never got to extol the virtues of his chosen wine; instead, the contents of the ice bucket were deposited over his head and into his lap. As his body suffered the shock of the coldness and his mind reeled in confusion, he saw the woman he loved walking away from him. Then he saw the waiter he’d bribed at the wrong table. He looked down and his mind filled with questions: which way was up? Was that a six or a nine? And could he get his tip back? Because he’d need it towards losing the deposit on that water damaged suit.
The Girl (again)
Well, the whole fiasco was filmed worldwide, and the reason why became public knowledge after the waiter added to Jim’s tip by raking in more cash selling his story. For a couple of days, the glare of the media spotlight was more intense than ever, and this time with none of the positivity and backing we had previously enjoyed. Jim was portrayed as a bumbling imbecile, likened to Mr Bean in various cartoons, while I was shown to be some old-school Joan Collins uber-bitch! One article said I was a ‘heartless ice queen with a fiery temper’, which is clearly a contradiction in terms to anyone with a basic grasp of the English language.
However, after that a wonderful thing happened – they left us alone! As suddenly as the world noticed us, they simply forgot us again. We were no longer worth reporting on, and I think the newsmen decided there were more glamorous locations than Winchester in which to rinse their expense accounts. Last I heard they were in Paris, following Monsieur Tout’homme and his mademoiselle through the same tunnel where they’d once chased Princess Di.
As for me and Jim, we’re okay. I saw the funny side of the misunderstanding as soon as he explained, and a slightly goofy guy is much more my style than a Mr Responsibility with no imagination. So yes, we’re going to try again, just a pub meal this time: pie and chips, and we’ll take it from there. No cameras, no reporters and no distractions. Maybe we’ll make it, maybe we won’t; either way it’s not the end of the world. Unlike the zombie sharknami, which I’ve heard is riding the Gulf Stream and getting closer and closer …