“You’re gonna learn about loss,” growled Robert De Niro in my favourite role of his (yes, even Travis Bickle), playing Max Cady in Cape Fear. Now, a quarter of century later, and even longer since Robert Mitchum may have spoken the line (I dunno), the lesson has reached me.
It being the last day of Nanowrimo, this should have been my triumphant announcement, 50,000 words in a month, yay me! But no, not this year. I’ve been Nanoing since 2011, and always book the 30th off for last day finishing – they must think I’m half Scottish at work, because I’m never there on St. Andrew’s Day. And in those years, the only previous non-win was in 2014 when the kitchen was being re-fitted, and I had very little time to myself. No such excuses this year.
Instead, my lack of success was on, or rather in, my own head, as I lapsed into the nasty habit of wallowing in an unhappiness that was largely of my own making. Nevertheless, I stayed in the game for the first half of the month, behind the rate but not insurmountably so, but when it came down to a choice between going all in or giving up, I froze and ended up choosing the latter by default.
And anyway, it’s only Nanowrimo, and not my first time not winning, certainly not enough to learn about loss. So what else have I lost? Well my stiff upper lip for one. After growing up driven by not wanting to show weakness or admit vulnerability, I have lived with untreated depression for all my adult life. That’s now changed: at the start of the month I had my first mental health GP appointment, and at the end of the month I had my first appointment with the iTalk counselling service. That’s actually a gain rather than a loss, but a heavy loss came with it, thanks to my stupidly walking away from that GP appointment without a prescription of anti-depressants. Knowing I needed treatment on two levels, but not yet receiving either, affected me badly and I sank to a pretty low place. Much worse, I was petty and selfish while I was down there, and managed to completely alienate one of my closest online friends. That’s some loss to learn about, right there.
Another friend stepped up, which I will be eternally grateful for, but the cruellest irony is that she herself has now suffered a terrible loss and bereavement of her own. Apart from the heartbreak and the unfairness of it all, it makes me see my little problems in a new light. I’ve lost a writing challenge and a couple of Facebook accounts, but that’s all really. So as much as I’ve learned about loss, I’ve learned about perspective. Now let’s hope I can use the lesson wisely.